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Post by OptimusPrime on Jul 28, 2011 20:59:48 GMT -5
I'll go first:
A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter..
Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager,
"Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce."
As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added,
"and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later, the manager said to the boy,
"I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?"
"New Zealand, sir," the boy replied.
"Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked.
The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there."
"Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !"
"Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?"
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Post by kalama on Jul 28, 2011 22:03:30 GMT -5
I'll go first: A man in London walked into the produce section of his local Tesco's supermarket and asked to buy half a head of lettuce. The boy working in that department told him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce. The man was insistent that the boy ask the manager about the matter.. Walking into the back room, the boy said to the manager, "Some old bastard wants to buy a half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he turned around to find that the man was standing right behind him, so he quickly added, "and this gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half." The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way. Later, the manager said to the boy, "I was impressed with the way you got yourself out of that situation earlier, we like people who can think on their feet here, where are you from son?" "New Zealand, sir," the boy replied. "Why did you leave New Zealand ?" the manager asked. The boy said, "Sir, there's nothing but prostitutes and rugby players there." "Is that right?" replied the manager," My wife is from New Zealand !" "Really?" replied the boy, "Who'd she play for?" LOL! Liked that one. |
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Post by Deleted on Jul 28, 2011 23:13:15 GMT -5
What a witty thread topic... You're one of a kind, xuscvbfan.
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Post by OptimusPrime on Jul 28, 2011 23:22:08 GMT -5
What a witty thread topic... You're one of a kind, xuscvbfan. Thank you. ;D Don't click on it if you don't like it... I know you have trouble with the word "clean"  |
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Post by Courtside5 on Jul 28, 2011 23:46:16 GMT -5
A tourist is walking down the street in Tokyo and he accidently drops a hundred bucks on the sidewalk. As he keeps walking, an old Japanese man sees it, picks it up and comes running up behind the tourist and says "Ichiman yen, Ichiman yen sir!" The tourist turns around and says "of course it`s my yen!" Then keeps on walking. What does it mean? For those of you that don`t get it, $100.00 = 10,000 Japanese yen which in Japanese language means Ichiman yen.
So if you say Ichiman yen really fast it sounds like saying "It`s my yen." I know it`s not very funny to some of you but it`s really funny when you tell it to Japanese folks.
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Post by Phaedrus on Jul 29, 2011 7:14:47 GMT -5
Back in the California mining days, a mine boss sizes up the new crew. He says to the Irishman: "You look fit, you can go do the digging." He sees the Pole and tells him:"You can be in charge of the dynamite." Then he sees the Chinese guys and says:"You can be in charge of the supplies."
So the mine boss leaves and when he comes back he sees the Irishman and the Pole just hanging out and enjoying the 100 degree sun. He starts barking at them and they complain that they didn't have any pick and shovel nor dynamite to do their work. Being a smart fellow, the mine boss is now rampaging around looking for the Chinese guy, as he rounds a corner, the Chinese guy jumps out of hiding and yells.......
"SUPPLIES!"
It's OK, I'm Chinese, I'm allowed.
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Post by kalama on Jul 29, 2011 13:48:25 GMT -5
Back in the California mining days, a mine boss sizes up the new crew. He says to the Irishman: "You look fit, you can go do the digging." He sees the Pole and tells him:"You can be in charge of the dynamite." Then he sees the Chinese guys and says:"You can be in charge of the supplies." So the mine boss leaves and when he comes back he sees the Irishman and the Pole just hanging out and enjoying the 100 degree sun. He starts barking at them and they complain that they didn't have any pick and shovel nor dynamite to do their work. Being a smart fellow, the mine boss is now rampaging around looking for the Chinese guy, as he rounds a corner, the Chinese guy jumps out of hiding and yells....... "SUPPLIES!" It's OK, I'm Chinese, I'm allowed. ha . . . ha . . . ha |
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Post by Mocha on Jul 29, 2011 14:15:25 GMT -5
Learn Chinese in 5 minutes
Are you harboring a fugitive? - Hu Yu Hai Ding?
See me ASAP - Kum Hia Nao
Stupid Man - Dum Gai
Small Horse - Tai Ni Po Ni
Your Price is Too High! - No Bai Dam Thing!
Did you go to the Beach? - Wai Yu So Tan?
I bumped into a coffee table - Ai Bang Mai Ni
I think you need a facelift - Chin Tu Fat
It's very dark in here - Wai So Dim?
Has your flight been delayed? - Hao Long Wei Ting?
That was an unauthorized execution - Lin Ching
I thought you were on a diet - Wai Yu Mun Ching?
This is a tow away zone. - No Pah King
Do you know the lyrics to the Macarena Wai Yu Sing Dum Song?
You are not very bright - Yu So Dum
He's very well endowed - He Hung Lo
I got this for free - Ai No Pei
I am not guilty - Wai Hang Mi?
Please, stay a while longer - Wai Go Nao?
Our meeting was scheduled for next week. Wai Yu Kum Nao?
They have arrived - Hia Dei Kum
Stay out of sight - Lei Lo
He's cleaning his automobile - Wa Shing Ka
Your body odor is offensive - Hu Man Go!
Pew! Does this bathroom stink! - Hu Flung Dung?
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Post by Deleted on Jul 29, 2011 15:46:08 GMT -5
What a witty thread topic... You're one of a kind, xuscvbfan. Thank you. ;D Don't click on it if you don't like it... I know you have trouble with the word "clean" Nope. Just with pathetic, ignorant people. Thanks though.  |
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Post by Phaedrus on Jul 29, 2011 19:00:49 GMT -5
Do you know why Jesus could not have been born in Athens, Ga?
Can't find three wise men and a virgin in Athens.
Why do birds fly upside down over Alabama?
Nothing worth crapping on in Alabama.
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Post by m on Aug 2, 2011 8:00:21 GMT -5
3 Nuns are sitting on a park bench. All of a sudden a male flasher runs by them and flashes them... Wait, that isn't a clean joke.
3 ex-prostitutes walked into a bar... Wait, that one isn't clean either.
What's the difference between a slut and a bitc... never mind, that one isn't clean either.
Aah, here we go... Bear and a rabbit are taking a dump next to each other. Bear turns to the rabbit and asks "Hey rabbit, do you have problems having crap stuck to your fur?". Rabbit replies to the bear "Why no, bear..". So the bear picked up the rabbit and wipes his ass.
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Post by Deleted on Aug 2, 2011 9:41:36 GMT -5
i believe we are officially off on a tangent now...  |
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Post by azvb on Aug 7, 2011 20:55:29 GMT -5
Loved the first joke, xuscvbfan.
This isn't a joke, but a true story that gets told at every family gathering:
My youngest son was about 7, playing coach-pitch baseball. His coach was pretty intense. He sat the boys down before the first game and gave them the rules in a very stern voice. 1) Tuck your shirts in 2) Everyone touch first base on your way out to the field 3)Sit on your carpet while waiting for you turn to bat 4) You must have a cup to play. You will not play if you don't have a cup. My son raises his hand, "Coach, is it okay if I bring a water bottle instead of a cup?"
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Post by noah121 on Aug 11, 2011 7:38:45 GMT -5
Max Planck walks into a bar. He then falls through the floor and lands in a bakery.
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Post by Phaedrus on Aug 11, 2011 10:13:46 GMT -5
OK, since noah121 started with the physics jokes:
Up in heaven, three great physicsts were playing hide and go seek: Newton, Pascal, and Einstein. It was Einsteins turn to seek, so Einstein closed his eyes and counted to 10 while pascal and newton went to hide. Pascal hid behind a tree, but Newton just stood there and drew a 1 meter by 1 meter box around him on the ground. when Einstein was done counting, he opened his eyes and said, "Newton, what are you doing? you're supposed to hide! you're out!" And Newton replied, "No, you're wrong, im not Newton, im Pascal! See, I'm one Newton per square meter! Pascal is out!"
A mathematician walks into a bar and asks for ten times the normal number of drinks anyone else has. “Wow,” says the barkeep, “That’s an order of magnitude.”
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The first one orders a beer. The second orders half a beer. The third, a quarter of a beer. The bartender says “You’re all idiots”, and pours two beers.
A mathematician and an engineer agreed to take part in a psychological test. They sat on one side of a room and waited not knowing what to expect. A door opened on the other side and a naked woman came in the room and stood on the far side. They were then instructed that every time they heard a beep they could move half the remaining distance to the woman. They heard a beep and the engineer jumped up and moved halfway across the room while the mathematician continued to sit, looking disgusted and bored. When the mathematician didn’t move after the second beep he was asked why. “Because I know I will never reach the woman.” The engineer was asked why he chose to move and replied, “Because I know that very soon I will be close enough for all practical purposes!”
A physicist a mathematician and an engineer are standing in a field – each are given equal amounts of fencing and are told to fence in as many sheep as possible. The engineer buildings a strong stable square of a sheep pen; the physicist builds a circular pen declaring his design can hold the most sheep. The mathematician builds another circular fence – sits inside his creation and says “I declare I am outside.”
a biologist, engineer and mathematician were having coffee on the patio across the street they watch as two people walk into a house. a few minutes later, three people leave the house. they start to discuss how that could happen
biologist: the two people copulated, reproduced and three people leave the house
engineer: that’s wrong, our initial observation must have been erroneous.
mathematician: you’re both wrong. if another person enters the house it will be empty again
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